| i got eeyore socks from my mamas |
[27 Dec 2002|03:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
i'm doing a face mask right now and i can't tell yet if it feels good or bad.
tonite rissa and i will go to the basketball game. i can't wait cause we are going to get her looking hot and shit and rub it in bj's face. fuck you little boy.
slept at sean's last nite. i totally needed it. i haven't felt like his girlfriend in a while and it confuses me. i watched the cheesiest porno on cinemax last nite. it was so funny. but of course i could get into the story line.
anyways things are pretty good. i need my cell phone i left it at bj's house.
lalala adios.
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[22 Dec 2002|07:14am] |
this is all just so wrong. why shaunna? i mean i wouldn't wish this on anyone but, its just too much.
i don't want to do that anymore. to go into a family room where everyone is sitting together and facing that someone they loved just died.
i don't know how else to say it. it is just not fair. and it all makes me so angry that i can't even stand to hear people bitch anymore. including myself. THIS is something awful that happens to people. not a boyfriend/girlfriend fight or not being popular or crooked teeth or a little extra fat.
i can't even stand this i don't even know how to finish this.
i'm so sorry shaunna and i love you.
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| i can see us dying, aren't we? |
[20 Dec 2002|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
tonight was boring. i wish it hadn't rained so i could've gone into work and made some fucking cash. but oh well.
i got my nails done today. its part of my new thing.
i have to work tomorrow at seven. steve and gwen are working too so it won't be bad.
i've somehow reduced myself to feeling like i used to back in seventh grade. ugly, small, unnoticed and just all around unworthy of anything. i wonder how i can get so down on myself. i still manage to carry myself with a false sense of confidence. which must mean that i don't hate myself that bad. the reason it pisses me off so bad is that it isn't like i am not liking who i am as a person, its all the vain shit that is bothering me.
i don't want to care about that shit. maybe i just never cared because i felt like i looked good. i just have lost whatever strength i have in not caring what people think. WHY SHOULD I FUCKING CARE! and i don't really. i mean like i'm saying in my head i don't give a fuck but yet every day i get more and more critical. suddenly i'm fat and ugly and my hair is nasty and my skin is gross. this is not the shit that has any importance in life. yeah. who am i kidding? everyone is vain and bases everything on looks and presentation. it is such a double edged sword that it is sick. like, i hate it, but at the same time i cash into it. my bosses are all male so i make sure i have my hair done and makeup on to go to work because males respond better to someone they find attractive.
i was watching a show in sociology a couple of weeks ago and it was all about this huge study on looks. where they measured the equality of your face. the more even a face is the more attractive it is to people subconsciously. fucking lame. we are programmed to respond to looks first and foremost.
i guess i shouldn't beat myself up over any of this. i just feel so pathetic that i care but at the same time here i go with this whole makeover shit so when i go back to school i won't feel like a bull dog covered in shit. thats an ugly feeling.
anyways i will stop bitching now. school is out for 16 whole days. i love it. i gotta go to bed though so i can be up for 6 in the morning so i have time to shower and "get ready"
anyways christmas sounds good. i'm ready for some yuletide spirit. yeah i'm a fag.
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| barnyard love for cassie |
[17 Dec 2002|08:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
my goodness i am all about vacation right now. school is just getting under my skin and it makes me want to puke.
"its the way you use it i've heard." mka (funny shit)
i want only real true friends who aren't two faced and immature and solely after their own interests. someone i can talk to without judgement. for some reason though i just can't that.
cassie wait til you see what i made you. hang it up on your wall at home. it is a work of art made especially for you!
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| i'ma slap you |
[06 Dec 2002|09:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
today i am in such a mood to stomp on all the girls that are fucking pissing me off...
so i will.
verbally of course.
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| ok now i am calm. |
[03 Dec 2002|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
so anyways i'm ok now.
i've got a serious elvis obsession lately. he is such a babe.
"i'm proud to say she's my buttercup.
i'm in love.
i'm all shook up."
can't wait to go snowboarding this weekend. me and sean. that is going to be sad cause he's probably going to be better than me. god damned athletic people.
i'm starting to get psyched for college. especially because of the way i want to do it. i really loved framingham. the campus was really nice cause all the buildings were really old looking and pretty. the dorms are nice plus they have a lot of singles which is great. i'll do anything to get one.
my tour guide was great. he had black spikey hair, a nose ring, tongue ring, both ears pierced and he wore really tight jeans with a fur lined jean jacket. he looked so preppy and cute. he acted really flighty at first so i got a totally different impression than what he really is. i figured he was one of those kids who likes college for the parties, but then he drops that he's a double major of sociology and fashion design with a minor in spanish. he was real cool. not just after he said that. i wanted to punch the other girl in our group cause she kept telling him the stupidest things for no reason and he looked like he just wanted to smack her.
the fucking grey squirrels there were HUGE. honestly i think they feed them prime rib dinners.
getting totally boring but thats ok cause after all it is MY journal, and i think i'm the only one who reads it.
time to go to bed. my electric blanket and fan are waiting. (kinda makes you think why i don't get rid of them both but its kinda a thing for me to have the noise of a fan but then i freeze.)
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| fucking punks |
[03 Dec 2002|09:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bitchy |
] |
why is it that hypocrites never notice their hypocracy until it is aimed at them?
shut the fuck up. seriously.
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| my dad is going running |
[03 Dec 2002|08:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
how could someone want to go for a 6 mile run in this weather. i'm still crabby from having to drive in it.
going to framingham today to check out the college. me and mom. it'll be fun.
lalalala adios.
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| i hate when he's away |
[27 Nov 2002|09:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
tonite went to go see 8 mile again cause rissa hadn't seen it yet.
went to the mountain tonite. i guess i'm working on friday, yeah as in the day after tomorrow. i'm working at 7am til 3. but i'll be training in mountain treats that gwen says is like wicked cool.
i'm so accustomed to him. i mean today i was so annoyed of him and not wanting to talk to him but i was shopping with rissa and saw some tshirts that would look good on him and be comfortable underneath his sweatshirts so i picked some up for him. he calls me mama for stuff like that. but its days like this when i see the beauty of being so close and comfortable with something. having him to go through this scary thing with me. i have to go to the doctors on monday to get it checked out. i'm really scared.
he's at a celtics game with his friends. i hate when he's out late driving. i can't sleep. i am so afraid of getting that phone call in the middle of the night, waking me up to tell me there's been an accident.
i talked about jamie today. i haven't been to the cemetary in so long, and now that its snowed all of her stuff will be gone and i'll feel so sad seeing her all alone. she's in that freezing cold ground and i just don't know what to say anymore. i lost my jamie pin somewhere between State semi finals and phillipston. it was my favorite one.
now i feel really awful and nervous and want to feel those arms around me. i love when my back is against his chest and his chin is resting on my head. i never thought i'd be able to hold someone like that and be held without being nervous.
sean i love you. i will never forget the world that you have created for me and for us. you are truly a special person. i know it. i love you. two years and four months today. i love you. drive safe please. come home to me poopie. :)
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| can't sleep |
[17 Nov 2002|10:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
well its only like 10:24 but not being able to sleep is just stressing me out. today was ok. sunday dinner was good. i wish kara would come so we could see dominic.
took a bath and then just sat around all night and talked to marissa and mom. mario kart is becoming far too addicting.
he says he wants to take care of me. and that he is ready to be a man for me, so we can make a life together.
i'm nervous for tuesday. my hair hasn't been short in a long time.
my tylenol pm will be kicking in soon.
i have to start doing better in school, well just concentrating again. field hockey made it really hard to do anything in school. plus i have to start doing my essay for college.
now we might go to jamacia this april. sweet.
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| fuck yeah |
[09 Nov 2002|01:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
holy shit we actually won. now we are district champions. we even got a trophy.
ahhh! i'm fucking stoked. :)
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| nada mucho |
[08 Nov 2002|03:49pm] |
almost time to go to moreaus house. that is totally a first for her. ugh i smell like cigarettes. so sick of him smoking those things. anyways, tomorrow is our game. and i really want to win i just want it to be the last one.
i'm so torn.
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|
[05 Nov 2002|02:34pm] |
you make me do stupid things
like scream
and break phones.
you make my insides hurt
and i'm embarrassed
that you're embarrassed of me.
i hate the one track way of your mind.
and the multifaceted views of mine.
WE ARE SO DIFFERENT!
how did we fall in love?
even if there was an ocean
and a sunset
and a pretty pink blanket
to lay ourselves on.
how did that happen?
i am choking on my pride
because i will not cry.
not for this
and
not for them.
those who you lay your neck down for.
don't even turn
to see if i care
because you will see that i don't.
my tears are all lies.
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| fucking people |
[05 Nov 2002|02:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
people make me so mad. why do they care where or how i go to college? my parents are paying and its MY life. if i don't want to go to a four year school then that is my perrogative. and i am so sick of everyone doubting that.
the lady from framingham came today and she basically had nothing to say. not a very strong adversary for her college but oh well i have two and a half more years to decide.
sean drives me insane. how is it selfish that i want to hang around with him? isn't that a compliment? but, i thought things changed. guess not.
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[03 Nov 2002|08:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
optimistic |
] |
went to the mountain with gwen to apply for a job today. finally applied to a man. i hate applying to women. they are far more judgemental and critical. i know, i am a woman. anyways, applied for kitchen and black diamond restaurant. which is basically what i wanted to do at the baldwin house except that this way i get to get a free century pass. which saves me $190. my mom will pay for nothing that has to do with snowboarding.
went to babci's for sunday dinner and ended up feeling sickened. i wish she wouldn't bring him. he is so god damned negative and judgemental. the comments he makes pisses everyone off and i know one day rissa or i will end up making a sarcastic comment within earshot and end up fighting with him.
my dad is still out drinking and playing cards for money. this fucking pike asshole has no idea that my father has to drive home drunk from worcestor. i don't like him.
tomorrow is our game. i want to win because it would be so great to upset the #1 team. but i really want the season to be over. it sucks so bad playing in this cold weather. my hands can't take it.
i've decided that internet checkers is just too fucking cool for the rest of this world. except for when i am winning and the other person just quits. makes me so mad.
wonder what is in store for us. i wish i didn't have to watch some of these young couples who have been going out for three weeks say the word love. makes me want to cry because they will be so ashamed of themselves in the future. but i guess its possible to be in love that early but not with some of the people i am talking about. i LOVE sean. its been almost 3 solid years, and i have been his girl for 4. just took my a while to get my head straight. this year is just so tough, but what do i expect next year to be like? college is going to be even worse for us. but if its meant to be it will be, as cliche as that fucking saying is.
if only
i give you one last chance
with the devil;
you must no longer dance.
you've got to be faithful
so we can be fruitful,
build a family and follow god's destiny
so just before i run to the plow poppi
i'ma listen to your song.
they say two wrongs don't make it right
so if i'm wrong i ain't trying to fight
so poppi i'm won't leave baby i'll just stay
so promise me that you'll do the same
baby understand that i forgive you
but i ain't gonna forget it
that you broke me in two
i have grown from a thug to a man
build my castle with bricks
and no longer with sand
they say two wrongs don't make it right
so if i'm wrong i ain't trying to fight
i'm gonna love you over and over again.
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| birthday month |
[02 Nov 2002|07:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dorky |
] |
24 more days until i am 18 years old. and this year is totally going to be cool because now i am going to start snowboarding again. i can't wait. i love my gwennie gwen gwen.
last nite was sweet. i fell asleep at 10:30 amongst the partiers. no alcohol for me though. just tired from my game.
sean thinks i am the cutest baby in the world.
i feel fat right now.
oh yeah p.s. i am totally a sex goddess. and sean will agree to that.
so lucas had a flipout. i don't understand kids today. i mean why is it so hard for kids to just forgive, not forget. everyone has problems and their own cross to bear. but that is only an excuse for so long. but i mean to tell your mother that you wish she had died of cancer when she had it, is sick. i wish i could strangle him... but i know he is not a happy person and i will never understand him. so i will try not to judge him. i love him still. his birthday is in 27 days.
i'm feeling loved again.
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| i think i am digusted beyond anything i have ever felt before in my life!!!!!!!!!!! |
[23 Oct 2002|08:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nauseated |
] |
oh my god. i am contemplating suicide.
i think i just heard my parents having sex!!!! aaaaaaaaahhh!
according to sean this is no big deal cause everyone does it. but STILL! this is so nasty. obviously i know they have had sex before, but to HEAR IT!
Aaaaah! i don't think i can ever have sex again.
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| mmm lovely polish soup |
[23 Oct 2002|04:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
kapusta, heating right now actually and i am pretty excited about it.
oh i hate you.
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| fucking individuals |
[20 Oct 2002|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
ok i am getting pretty god damned sick of these fucking people who just want to be different. you know being different is fun but if you aren't why can't you just be the person you grew up to be and not change because now its suddenly the cool thing to say fuck everyone.
why now is it only cool to listen to music that isn't on mtv? so what if it is? maybe some of it sucks but it should just suck BECAUSE it is on mtv. i mean get a fucking grip.
so anyways fuck you all.
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priscillalove's journal
